Monday, January 09, 2006

And I swore I'd never post anything of import...

I hate it when bloggers try to be deep and meaningful and just end up sounding pretentious. However, in light of recent events, I can't help it. You will listen, and you will like it.

I'm very sad. I know that it takes a while to get over losing a pet you adore, but I'm unnerved by how deeply I'm feeling Stanze's loss. We only had her since last July, and she was a tremendous challenge, but I think her difficult nature made me love her more. We worked so hard with her trying to understand why she behaved as she did and trying to modify her more aggressive tendencies. When she made progress, though, I never felt such pride, or as much love as when she would let me pick her up without any resistance. She was so alive, so clever and so vibrant that seeing her hanging from my hand would overwhelm me and I'd have to kiss her. She was so beautiful and tiny, so precious. It's impossible to forgive myself for not being gentler with her. I end up justifying it to myself that she has been so deft and agile and disliked being handled so much that we couldn't keep her on any perch or finger or horizontal surface for long, so, on some level, I thought that when I pulled back, she would jump off her perch and be fine. That didn't happen, though, and I'm sick with guilt and anger. I will never again forget that these tiny creatures are immeasureably fragile. No matter what bites I may get or what aggression surfaces, I will never handle any pet with anything but tenderness.

I just hate that Stanze had to teach me this lesson with her life. It's so unfair and horrible. We've tried so hard to be the best pet owners we could be, researching and providing them with the best of everything, but it obviously wasn't enough. I don't think I'll be able to get another bird to be a companion to Fritz. We'll have to be his flock, now, and no bird will ever be treated better.


AAM said...

Suz, please dont blame yourself, it was an ACCIDENT. You are not the kind of person who would hurt ANYTHING deliberately, and her bites were frequent and painful,you had a perfectly normal reaction to that. Losing a pet is hard enough, try not to make it harder for yourself.

shellswick said...

This was not your fault. Your love for that bird was clear. Your intentions were pure. Angie is completely and utterly was an accident.