To the indiviual who stole the stereo out of the Corolla yesterday:

When I got to my car at the Park and Ride last night after work and saw that the driver's side door was unlocked, I knew something was amiss. I opened the door and saw the shambles you made of my dashboard and I was pissed. Really furious. I saw, though, that you actually took the time to unplug all of the components without cutting the cables, and that you didn't disconnect the defroster or the hazards, so I'm grateful for that, at least. I'm an idiot and partly to blame, I know, as I should have removed the stereo's face. I've gotten out of the habit since we bought our house and don't really need to worry about our neighborhood anymore, which is probably absurd anyway as we don't exactly live in Laurelhurst.

But why would you pick my car? Is it because it has no alarm? There are far nicer cars in proximity to mine that probably had far nicer stereos. Did you know that I gave Christian that stereo for our first Valentine's Day as a couple? Did you know that I asked to borrow his car under the ruse of not wanting to lose my parking space at the Capitol Hill apartment? It was an easy fib to believe as it would sometimes take me an hour to find a spot and I'd usually not move my car until the need was dire, say I was bleeding or had eaten a peanut. I washed and vacuumed his car before I took it back, too, so it would look as nice as possible. The stereo had a detachable face, so when we got in the car later that night, Christian thought his old radio had been stolen, and when I pulled out the box containing the face and said "Surprise!" his thrilled and gobsmacked expression was, to this day, the best one I've seen on his sweet mug.

I'm curious about something. You opened the glove box, presumably to look for money or credit cards, although why anyone would keep such things in the glove box is beyond me, but apparently this is something people even stupider that me do. In the glove box, unbeknownst to me at the time, was Christian's iPod Shuffle, which you either missed or didn't want. It's probably worth the same as the stereo, so why didn't you take it? Not that I wanted you to, but are you that unaware of modern technology? Also, in the back seat was a cashmere sweater that was supposed to go to the dry cleaners. Why did you not take that? I'm just trying to ascertain your motives, here.

I hope that you really need the small amount of money you will make from the sale of the stereo, but you probably don't. You're most likely just a lazy, entitelist ass who feels that you shouldn't have to work for a living, and have the right to take whatever you want from those who do. This upsets me most of all, as both Christian and I work very hard; two jobs each. You have no right to take things that belong to others merely because you feel that the world owes you something. The world owes you nothing, and you deserve nothing that you didn't earn yourself. I hope that somehow you will be taught this lesson in a way that will make you understand it. Prison time would be excellent. I have to admit that I would enjoy it if you became your cellmate's special prison friend. Chances are, though, that nothing of the sort will ever happen, and you will continue to believe that you can take that which doesn't belong to you. So, in that case, I hope you fall down an open manhole into the sewer. And I hope that the sewer carries you out to sea, and that you get eaten by a shark. Yep. That's what I hope. Fucktard.