When I got home from rehearsal last night, Christian asked me, in his patented portentious tones, "Would you mind if I didn't go with you to Spokane this weekend? For Easter? Work is piling up and I'm getting nervous." To which I replied, "I'm going to pretend that you didn't just ask me if it was all right if you miss one of the two family functions in Spokane that we've been able to attend in the past year so you can do the work that you've had for three months but are just now getting around to because you've been doing everything BUT said work for the same past three months. You can do your work in Spokane."
But, had I been the kind of embarassment to womankind to roll over and say yes, dear, whatever you want, and had Christian stayed home, this is exactly how his weekend would have gone:
Leave work. Change and go to gym. Work out for two hours. Come home. Take bird out of cage. Eat dinner of three kinds of breakfast cereal mixed with a cookie, ice cream and milk while lying on the floor reading a Crutchfield catalogue, trying to justify the purchase of a subwoofer for the Corolla. Watch Modern Marvels for an hour. Futz around on the internet (specifically the throwing web ring) and then go to bed without showering.
Get up at 7, unable to sleep in. Get dressed and go to track to shot put. Avoid crushing skulls of members of peewee soccer team practicing in neighboring field. Go home. Ice wrist/back/knee or other injured body part. Eat more cereal. Work for one hour. Make turkey sandwich, leaving tomato ooze on counter to solidify into pink mass peppered with seeds. Read Track and Field magazine. Practice stepping up with birds while taking pictures of them in artistic poses (not dirty, like it sounds). Still don't shower as showering washes away pleasant smell of iron and manly funk. Go to Lowe's and get part for sink. Eat dinner of mac and cheese with the artistic addition of an egg white, a chicken breast and some broccoli. Listen to Swing Years and Beyond while reading sites already read today, as maybe they've been updated/had new comments posted and maybe work for a half hour or so. Go to bed at midnight after watching more Modern Marvels.
Get up at 8, eat more cereal, finally shower, go to Mass (it is Easter, after all). Come home, eat another turkey sandwich, this time leaving lettuce on the counter with bits of turkey that will dry out and stink. Do a load of laundry. Change into grubby clothes. Tighten sink bolts/nuts/cables. Realize that wife is going to be home in several hours, house is disaster and have only worked for an hour and a half. Freak out. Try to get everything done and once and get nothing done in the end.
And for that, he'd miss my Mom's ham.