This is all particularly ludicrous this time of year as I'm a Christmas junkie who can usually set aside daily realities to revel in the escapism of festivities. However, I'm finding my enjoyment of the holiday dampened rather than increased by things like the gorgeous snowfall and our consequent entrenchment. Now I'm concerned about the inevitable melt and following depression. I feel muddled still by the change in our life, even though my mind is slowly clearing and we're finding our new situation to be pretty wonderful. Maybe I'm just expecting too much in light of all the mountainous changes we've faced in the past month. I just want to revel in this, our first family Christmas as parents.
Friday, December 19, 2008
I periodically write posts about my many personal failings, most of which revolve around my tendency to over-worry and inability to focus on the now. Well, I have now reached Olympic gold medal standards of not allowing myself to enjoy the day to day moments. I have a DAUGHTER now, a daughter, who only lives in the very moment happening. She doesn't think about whether or not I have all of the Christmas presents purchased, or when the snow will fall again, or how much laundry there is to put away, she only thinks about her sleep, her food and her poop and pee. These are now all things on which I fixate, but I still manage to find time to allow my mind to dwell in an out of control manner on any number of ridiculous and unimportant issues, like how I'm going to occupy my mind not having to go to a day job, how I'm going to sing and find gigs with a baby, whether or not we'll ever be able to afford to remodel our house, all things that only time and good planning will tell.