1. A baby will only sleep when held, either while on the chest, allowing one to type awkwardly, or actually in the arms, allowing nothing to be accomplished at all.
2. The house will never be clean again, at least not clean as it was before the arrival of the baby. All activities directed towards furthering cleanliness will be interrupted so many times as to render said activities futile.
3. Laundry will reach proportions heretofore unseen outside of a correctional institution, and no matter how much is washed, the rate at which clothing is soiled is so rapid that the amount needing to be washed will never be smaller than the amount washed.
4. Daytime TV commercials are appalling crap, unlike nighttime commercials, which are merely crap. I don't want to buy Xenadrine, nor do I need to learn how to sell things on Ebay. I don't have scrap gold to sell and I don't really need AARP-approved life insurance.
5. I cannot ever find a phone, as all phones are buried deep under burp cloths and onesies. See #3. Consequently, when the phone rings, the house gets messier and the clean laundry again becomes soiled when the clean clothes on the bed are shoveled onto the floor allowing me to unearth the handset.
6. The second I decide that it is safe to eat because the baby is sleeping, she will awake, ravenous for time, food and my soul, all three of which are hers for the taking.
7. The Golden Girls are awesome at 1 pm or 1 am, the two times at which they are on.
8. Birds understand when they have become second fiddle and they don't like it. There will be regressive screaming. Spending extra scratching time with them while the baby is sleeping will make them love you again, and that is important. I need Cyril's love in my life. It's uncomplicated and pure. And fluffy.
9. Friends really prove their love and devotion by endlessly and cheerfully babysitting while I'm away at tedious rehearsals and performances.
10. Time only has meaning as it applies to others. Nowhere to be today? 9 am or 2 pm, makes no difference to me. Pediatrician's appointment or a show? Time is my enemy, as punctuality, beloved and unwavering punctuality, becomes a hardship rather than a virtue.
11. Very little knitting gets accomplished. Very, very little.
12. Real baby smiles hit you like a white hot spear of transcendental love.
13. My latent cheeseball tendencies are no longer latent.
14. Getting sleep is almost worse than not getting sleep. Once the body has realized that sleep is an elusive luxury, getting a full dose of that luxury reminds you why alcoholics can't just have one drink.
15. Nothing will ever matter as much to me as how many chins my child has. Four? We win.