It is estimated by "Adoptive Families" magazine that 25,000-30,000 children are placed domestically for adoption per year, and that number is more than all international adoptions combined. However, the proportion of agencies offering international vs. domestic adoption does not at all reflect this estimate. It is rapidly becoming obvious that the possibility of birth parents changing their minds casts a heavy and challenging pall on domestic adoption. In what seems to be an effort to minimize changes of mind and heart, all of the agencies that I've researched advocate completely open adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents choose each other, have extensive personal contact before the birth and continue that relationship after the child has become part of his or her new family. Upon speaking with our lawyer and family and friends who were adopted, we do not believe that this is a route we wish to enter into the GPS. The idea that a birth mother would continue to play an active role in our child's life after the termination of parental rights gives me great pause. As many (indeed, most) young mothers who place their children for adoption are from impoverished homes with little or no familial support and equally minimal education, the maturity level required to maintain appropriate distance would likely be lacking. We would like to be able to raise our child in our family without the constant specter of jealousy or competition and without the fear of inconsistency from the birth mother and confusion to the child. I would have no problem with providing the birth mother with photos, but actual contact would not be terribly desirable. To be vulgar, it would feel far too much like I was playing mother to another woman's child while she watched from the wings.
It will be difficult to not succumb to the pressure to adopt a child whose parents are not only not in the scenario, but likely not even known. However, we want this child from the very first second, to be the first person he or she sees, and to be the only mother and father this child has ever known. I feel as though we are being made out to be quite selfish, but this is what we want. I hope there will be those who will help us achieve this.