Choke

What a craptastic audition I had yesterday.  Extra breaths, poor phrasing, imperfect high notes, inconsistent support...my God, am I 22 again?  I left the room feeling exactly as I used to when I was young and terrible, like I had just fought a battle against a horde of terrifying enemy using only a feather duster and good intentions.  I honestly thought I was past this stage, the stage where I truly don't feel like I have any skill, not to mention talent.  Not that I'm ever going to burn up the stages with the sheer spectacularity of my voice, but sheesh, some consistency would have been keen.

I think I like knitting so much because, when one is finished with a project, one can look back upon it with pride and pleasure.  No matter what you make in the future, you always have this one lovely thing from the past to remind yourself that you can make something good.  With singing, the past doesn't matter, only what you are doing now and in the future.  I sang well at my last audition but this one, but it couldn't matter less.  Singing is proving over and over that you have what it takes to be together when it's important.  It's actually seeing someone you're auditioning for look impressed at your skill or technique and getting hired because of it.

I didn't get a small part next season at SO, so I'm going to have to look for a different day job that can give me more hours, and that's a hard thing with which to come to terms.  I think I just need to know what the future holds, at least for now, and then maybe these auditions won't hold so much sway over me.  I hope.