No, officer, I'm not hiding a cria in my coat.

I know that I don't have a farm, or a barn, or a backyard big enough, but I really, really want an alpaca. I mean, I can wear a resipirator when feeding or grooming it, and can find a corner in the house for it to sleep in at night, they don't really get that big, and their fiber doesn't contain any lanolin, so I'm not allergic to it. They make nice humming sounds when they're happy or sad or mad or hungry or tired or lonely or in love so they hum all the time and they have really, really soft noses and their fleece can be sent out to be spun into yarn that would keep me happy for a long time, and they can't possibly eat that much and the boys would love them ('cause there's more than one in my imaginatory backyard now) and we could take them on walks around the neighborhood and do halter shows at Alpacapalooza and maybe someday we could have our own alpaca farm and wouldn't that be swell? Wouldn't it?